When I first heard about New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s alleged involvement with prostitutes, I wasn’t surprised. I’m not condoning Spitzer’s behavior but there is more to the story that you’ll rarely see in the press. Let me explain why certain leaders resort to this brand of reckless and self-defeating behavior.

Many leaders live imbalanced as well as relationally and emotionally isolated lives. They surround themselves with yes men. They feel like they have to retain a distance from the people they work with and that they must always be onstage in order to be respected. Because they work such long hours and don’t spend much time with family and friends they drift apart from them. They become relationally disconnected from the very people they need to remain grounded in life and retain a balanced perspective. In time, feelings of loneliness, boredom and sometimes depression emerge. As a means to fill the feelings of emptiness, these lonely leaders turn to alcohol or drug abuse to numb the pain or, more often, they take excessive business or sexual risks to displace the feelings of emptiness with a temporary thrill. Their sexual activities may include an addiction to pornography, an affair or use of prostitutes. Sexual activity is especially powerful because it has been found to release oxytocin in the brain, the hormone that is also released when we connect with other human beings relationally in high trust, high empathy relationships.

In contrast, the healthy leader has high trust relationships at work and remains connected with his or her spouse, other family members and close friends. Like the root system of a healthy tree, the healthy leader has the relational and emotional support required to make rational decisions. The leader who fails to retain a healthy root system of relational and emotional support will eventually succumb to the effects of decay going on under the surface. For a while they may look strong on the outside, but inside they are struggling.

You don’t have to be a leader to have this problem either. It can happen to anyone who is leading a relationally disconnected life for a sustained period of time. If you feel that you are at risk or that you know someone who is, it’s time to take action. To begin, read our new, free, downloadable ebook entitled “The Connection Culture: A New Source of Competitive Advantage.” You might also read my Amazon Short entitled “Alone No Longer” about my own experience as a leader. These writings will help you understand why we all need connection to thrive at work and in life. You really need to get help. Call an executive coach, psychiatrist or member of the clergy. Whatever you do, don’t try to go it alone or procrastinate out of feelings of guilt or shame. Let me assure you that many people struggle with this issue so don’t lose hope. You can rediscover the joy in your work and in your life. But you can’t do it alone.

Photo credit: The 2,300 year-old General Sherman Tree at Sequoia National Park (from Betsy Malloy’s article on Sequoia National Park at About.com)

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